Me and That Boy

Chris:"So whats up with your life?"
Me:"Idk...wait..whats up with you?"
Chris:*smiles* "no"
Me:*looks confused then smiles* "No?...well then i guess thats whats up with my life seeing as you are my life."
Chris: "Yea thats why i said no" *smiles and laughs walking off*
Me: "I LOVE YOU CHRISTOPHER!"
Chris: "I LOVE YOU TOO!"

Beginning of a story im writing.

Its when you wake up in the morning and the tears are still there. Its when you don’t have the strength to get off your knees when you finally break down and fall to them. Pain. The thing that hits us all in the gut when we are smiling. Jasmine was getting it hard. It was if she had been repeatedly been kicked in the gut with soccer cleats or combat boots. She was doubled over in the bathroom floor. She couldn’t breathe and she couldn’t see. She could see the blood. The one thing she knew was there. She kept her knees to her chest and her arm over the bathtub. She had twisted the knob to close the drain off. It was over half full now. Everything was getting dark. But she was trying to hold on a little longer. She was memorizing all of their faces. The ones she’d leave behind. As she fell backwards she heard that voice. The one that had saved her so many times before. She shut it out and then everything went black.

Four Months Earlier…

“Jasmine!, Wait for me!” Zach was running to catch up with her. “What do you want?” Jasmine kept walking with her headphones still on but Zach could tell she was listening. “Are you mad at me or something? Because you haven't talked to me in like 2 weeks.” Zach was confused. She had been a constant pain in the ass. He loved her, no doubt. But she had gotten so annoying with all her bitching and crying. So he’d taken a couple of days away from her. Not exactly ignoring her but not paying attention to her all the same. He didn’t think she’d mind since she wasn’t paying much attention to anyone anyhow. “Why the fuck should you care?” Jasmine then hits the play button on her MP3 player and walks faster. Don’t cry…just don’t cry. Make it to 1st period and you will be able to read and it'll all be okay. When Jasmine got to first period she immersed herself into her book. It was her favorite. The one about the werewolf && the human. The romance story she read until she was dead to the real world. When the bell rang she didn’t even look up. “Jazmine, its time to go to 2nd period,” Mrs. Hord whispered. Jasmine got up, stuffed her book in her bag and quickly walked out of the room, blaring her music the minute she got out of the door.

Goodbye

Dragging the razor across my skin.

Watching it sink deeper in.

Feeling the blood rush down my arm

Realizing that ive done fatal harm

I hope my friends know

How much I loved them so

I hope my siblings

Know all of my feelings

I hope my dads buries himself alive

He was the one who gave me these eyes that cry

I hope they all realize how bad it really was

I hope Dylan will remember the way I called him “cuz”

I pray that Marcie wont blame herself

I pray that Brandan & Blake have trophies on their shelf

I pray that Alayna grows up good && sweet

I hope Craig realizes he needs to get off his feet

I hope HE remembers me with love

I hope Lori && JJ always remember their love

I hope Bradye && Chris work things out

Because their guidance is something I couldn’t live without

As I watch the blood flow out

I remember that day

The day when I last tried to throw it all away

At least this time I didn’t have to hear the screams

But this time it isnt a dream.

Watch it all go down the drain

Outside its pouring rain

And here the devil, my soul to claim

Goodbye xx…I loved you

i dont.

I dont know what u want me to say,

I cant say anything..that wont hurt us both,

I dont know what you want me to do,

I feel frozen in time..cant do ne thing that wont hurt u,

I dont know what you want me to say,

I love you seems so stupid these days,

I dont know what you want me to do,

Your too far away for me to hold you,

I dont know what to do,

Im so in love with you,

but my love is overdue,

so leave me if u must,

i know ive betrayed ur trust,

but before you leave be sure to kill me cuz if u dont then i surely will.....

Im sorry.....

A song i wrote a long time ago.

Hey Sugar Daddy

Let me tell you my side

If you wanna be with me thats ight

But dont expect me to give it up after only 1 nite

*Chorus*

I wanna make you happy

I wanna be your girl

So come on baby

Lets give it a whirl

I've never felt like this

I cant wait till I get a kiss

To be in your arms would be heaven

But 2 be w/o you, well thats a given

Id do anything for you

You've been makin my dreams come true

Wanna know that dream?

Its to be with you!

I wanna call you all the time

Just to make sure your mine

Baby, its so hard when your so far away

But, I'll be in your arms someday

Just to let you know, I worry bout ya 2

Sometimes I really dont

Know what to do

*Chorus*

I never wanna hurt you

I cried when I burnt you

It was a mistake, my fault

After that i put my heart in a vault

Its never easy this thing called love

But you unlocked my safe and gave a tug

Now my hearts in your hands

And i dont want it broken, you understand?

I dont care what anyone thinks

All I gotta say is they stink

Baby,Im scared this time

Scared I'll mess up and you'll drop me like a dime

Nothin matters w/o you

Baby,w/o you my world would be blue

I only got 5 words to say to you

Baby, I love you 2!

here i am.

Well here i am

writing again

wondering how and when

and where you have been

you have to make a choice

me or her

your voice is fading away

the colors are just a blur

i feel myself go down

i feel his hands on my feet

pulling me down

through the grass beneath

ive lost you

so now im going down

if you make it to hell

i guess ill see you around

Darkness

Good morning, Darkness

I wish you could stay

Because you help cover the sun each day.

The sun burns and blinds.

You, my friend, cool and calm me.

I feel a sense of ease as I watch the news and realize you are staying today.

And if you shed some tears,

I mite do that as well.

Simply because you remind me of him.

And he loved to dance in your tears.

So if you cry today, dear friend,

I will come out and play again.

I Dream

~I Dream~

I lay here

Dreaming of another world.

Without war, Without death

Without pain.

I dream of Love & Marriage, Babies & Safety.

I dream of a good career.

I dream of a good man to have & to hold.

I dream of children. Running & playing.

Late night talks, Romantic walks

But right now I dream of good grades,

trust 4m parents, love from friends,

& Happieness till the end

I dream of Another World.

i wonder.

~I wonder~

Somedays I wonder

Did you ever love me?

I walk these halls

So silent yet screaming

I wonder what you meant

When you told me that you lied

Where you afraid to say your true feelings?

or did you not have any?

I look at your picture,

and look at your eyes

I wonder if you wore a disguise

I love you, this much I know.

You are not the only one who left me in Shadow.

Dreams and Nightmares

Joy and Scares

I was always there.

Now you are gone

But forever in my heart,

May you live on.

Love Always,

Window

~Window~

I'm looking out my window

Wondering where you are

I'd give anything

to be there

I know I was wrong

I know you are mad

But being w/o you

Would make me sad

I lie in bed and dream of you

I wake up and I dont know what to do

I tell my friends that if you left I'd cry

But to be honest, I'd probably die.

Falling down into a dark pit

Wondering if there is a bottom

But then a rope falls down

I grab it and it pulls me up.

Im bathed in sunlight

and there you are

But its just a dream

and now your gone

And i am all alone

Looking out my window

Wondering where you are.

pain

Do you not understand?

Can you not see

I am in pain

Its all that i see

I cannot handle the pain that i feel

All i can ask is how can this be?

That all i can feel is misery

It seems to be all i can hear and see

My friends

My family

Leaving me

PAIN!

Why must i endure this?

Have you no clue?

That im laying here screaming for you!

This pain is eating me alive

This fear i try to hide

That stays deep inside

The pain i feel always

That buried in a coffin it lays

random

He is hurting.

Cant you see.

He is in pain

Almost the same as me

You turn him away

Like you turned me

Now he is doomed to cry

Thats his destiny

Who are you to judge us
Your lord should do that

Who are you to judge us

Him depressed and me almost like that.

I do not understand your selfish ways

Can you not see

Things are harder these days

We both love you

That is our pain

You laugh in our faces

Ignore our pain.

I cannot see anything

I am lost and cannot be found

You toss and push me

Sling my feelings around

I do not see why you do this

to him and me

you are wrong

not saying we are right

But your making me hurt

And cower in fright

I wish you death

and the fires of hell

you have done this

now im in a cell

its not jail or prison my dear

it is padded and im surrounded by fear

you have made me heartless

And invincible

since you hurt me

or i was invisible

So i say goodbye to you

not a tear in my eye

and you will hurt

when i finally die

until then dear friend

see you soon

cuz w/o me

your future is DOOMED!

another poem

I dream and think about you all the time
Wondering about us and wishing you were mine
Tried to push it away cuz i know we arent that way.
It wouldnt be fine

Clinging to you makes me feel weak
The look in your eyes, so beautiful i just cant speak
In your arms it feels just right
Your the last thing i think about at night

Wrapped up in your love so tight
Makes me wonder why i fight

why i pull away from you
I want to share it all
Catch you when you fall

Losing you would be my end
Because your my best friend

I hide it poorly, this is true
You can see it in my eyes, Im in love with you

Please dont run or make a face
Cuz ill stand alone in this place

Ill hold back and take what i can get
Because id rather die than lose all this

well

Aight so yea i officially want to beat the fuck out of my "best friend"
He made our friend Ashley (who is currently living with him) cry just cuz
she was talking to our friend Tiffany about why I'd left the room.
She didnt say a damn thing to or about him. They were just mouthing shit about me.
And he gets all up in her fucken face and starts being a dick like he always is.
The only damn reason i didnt haul off and punch his ass is cuz his mom doesnt need
more fucken medical bills to take care of.

That plus all the other shit im dealing with.
~my mom
~my emotional/personality problems.
~my physical well being.
~as well as taking care of everyone in my damn circle & out side of it.

Im exhausted, trying to keep my grades up, trying to get a job, and trying to get my damn license.

AND IM SWAMPED WITH ALL THIS SHIT!

Ive been stretched to my limit by everyone and everything.

Its honest to God difficult as hell for me not to go off and beat the fuck
out of someone or tear my arms to shreds.

So I'm taking a break for a while

I love everyone dearly. But im just under too much right now.


<33,
Me.

What Exactly is Wrong At The Moment...

~My best friend, Chris, has not been the same for the last 2 months or so.
He used to be my support beam. I used to be special. And now we barely even talk. It seems like I dont matter to him anymore. And it hurts more than anything because i opened up to him and his family...and ..now its like i dont exist.

~My family and I have had walls against each other since I was 8. Now my counselor and my mother are trying to get me to open up..and I dont want to.
I want out of this house. Away from the pain i get from my family.

~Im always so lonely. Im the kind of person who gets/feels love from physical things. Dont mis-understand. Im still a virgin. But cuddling, kisses, hugs...they keep me going.
And even then...if im left alone...im screwed..