so i gave in again

i went back to my old addiction and it relieved me until he walked in. then the shame and guilt and heart wrenching fear hit.

if he ever leaves i dont know what will becmoe of me. him and our lost babies are my reason to live. but everything would be so empty w/o him.

im still bleeding. i can feel it. and i have a headache and ugh. im ready for supper so i can busy myself with something. i NEED a job but no where will take me. im exhausted.  so intensly exhausted.

just wanna give up

i cant stop

i cant stop being paranoid. I cant stop wanting to disappear. I cant stop being fucking broken
I sent him a text.

"well im glad you can run away i hope you feel better BECAUSE I CANT RUN FROM MYSELF!"

i dont wanna hit him. i dont wanna scream and cry and make him feel like shit. i dont wanna be empty i dont wanna be discusting and fat and lazy and not be able to get up because the pain is just too much.

i dont want to feel the need to cut myself or overdose on pills or drink myself stupid.

i dont want to feel like im ruining everything. i dont want to feel like im going to hurt someone i love. i dont want to be so fucked up in my  head that i cant function correctly. i just want to be normal.


but that is never gonna happen. so i should just continue pushing everyone away until they all leave.

then end

One Month Four Days

Sitting in my room with my lost childs newborn clothes I bought. Why Im torturing myself like this i dontknow. Maybe someday I can see it as "it wasnt your time" but right now all i can think is "why?"

I dont understand why I'm not allowed a child. Why the love of my life isnt allowed to
be the amazing father i know he would be. Yes we have our issues and sometimes i feel intenly hopeless.

IT IS NOT FAIR.

Dealing with the pain, the hole in me that just throbs and screams at me that im EMPTY. lost. a part of my soul has been taken from me.


and its excruciating.

so im lost

I started therapy.
after completely losing my mind.

Ace and i are still together
Altho most nights i lay awake in our bed bawling
I'll be glad when I get some meds in me to help regulate my emotions

He doesnt want couples therapy which i think is stupid and selfish.
WE need therapy not just me.
I understand that I need to deal with my personal issues but we also have to work on us.

I just dont understand him

Seether is all that calms me anymore
Roses is a favorite of mine. Nobody is also.

My chest pains and flashbacks are still horrid.
I cant even be outside for longer than 2 minutes because its too hot for me. :(


we have a male roommate now. i could give a fuck less about HIM. but his son is my light every day <3

um... thats it for now :/