Someday? or Never?

The funny thing is… I want to feel you. I want to be with you. But finding out that she is trying to get pregnant shot me down so hard and fast that I'm angry all of a sudden.



I get an empty feeling in my gut, my heart slows down, my breathing fucks up, and everything I see becomes warped…out of place…wrong.

It should be me.



"We belong together." Silence. And as you lean forward my heart accelerates. "I would'nt be here if it werent true." And as soon as that (or something similair to that) comes out of your mouth everything in me is okay. There is no awful seperation. You're a part of me.



And now I look up to the classroom I'm in and reality slaps me so hard I can feel the tears spill over and the huge wall of doubt crushing me. I'm afraid of letting you feel all this…but even more afraid to have the link removed.



You said I wasn't alone. That you'd always be around. I'm scared…more so than usual. Only I don't know what I'm more afraid of… Telling my mother everything and telling her to fuck off and doing as I please and you deciding even after that that you don't want me…. Or living like this and losing you completely.

Me and That Boy

Chris:"So whats up with your life?"
Me:"Idk...wait..whats up with you?"
Chris:*smiles* "no"
Me:*looks confused then smiles* "No?...well then i guess thats whats up with my life seeing as you are my life."
Chris: "Yea thats why i said no" *smiles and laughs walking off*
Me: "I LOVE YOU CHRISTOPHER!"
Chris: "I LOVE YOU TOO!"

Beginning of a story im writing.

Its when you wake up in the morning and the tears are still there. Its when you don’t have the strength to get off your knees when you finally break down and fall to them. Pain. The thing that hits us all in the gut when we are smiling. Jasmine was getting it hard. It was if she had been repeatedly been kicked in the gut with soccer cleats or combat boots. She was doubled over in the bathroom floor. She couldn’t breathe and she couldn’t see. She could see the blood. The one thing she knew was there. She kept her knees to her chest and her arm over the bathtub. She had twisted the knob to close the drain off. It was over half full now. Everything was getting dark. But she was trying to hold on a little longer. She was memorizing all of their faces. The ones she’d leave behind. As she fell backwards she heard that voice. The one that had saved her so many times before. She shut it out and then everything went black.

Four Months Earlier…

“Jasmine!, Wait for me!” Zach was running to catch up with her. “What do you want?” Jasmine kept walking with her headphones still on but Zach could tell she was listening. “Are you mad at me or something? Because you haven't talked to me in like 2 weeks.” Zach was confused. She had been a constant pain in the ass. He loved her, no doubt. But she had gotten so annoying with all her bitching and crying. So he’d taken a couple of days away from her. Not exactly ignoring her but not paying attention to her all the same. He didn’t think she’d mind since she wasn’t paying much attention to anyone anyhow. “Why the fuck should you care?” Jasmine then hits the play button on her MP3 player and walks faster. Don’t cry…just don’t cry. Make it to 1st period and you will be able to read and it'll all be okay. When Jasmine got to first period she immersed herself into her book. It was her favorite. The one about the werewolf && the human. The romance story she read until she was dead to the real world. When the bell rang she didn’t even look up. “Jazmine, its time to go to 2nd period,” Mrs. Hord whispered. Jasmine got up, stuffed her book in her bag and quickly walked out of the room, blaring her music the minute she got out of the door.

Goodbye

Dragging the razor across my skin.

Watching it sink deeper in.

Feeling the blood rush down my arm

Realizing that ive done fatal harm

I hope my friends know

How much I loved them so

I hope my siblings

Know all of my feelings

I hope my dads buries himself alive

He was the one who gave me these eyes that cry

I hope they all realize how bad it really was

I hope Dylan will remember the way I called him “cuz”

I pray that Marcie wont blame herself

I pray that Brandan & Blake have trophies on their shelf

I pray that Alayna grows up good && sweet

I hope Craig realizes he needs to get off his feet

I hope HE remembers me with love

I hope Lori && JJ always remember their love

I hope Bradye && Chris work things out

Because their guidance is something I couldn’t live without

As I watch the blood flow out

I remember that day

The day when I last tried to throw it all away

At least this time I didn’t have to hear the screams

But this time it isnt a dream.

Watch it all go down the drain

Outside its pouring rain

And here the devil, my soul to claim

Goodbye xx…I loved you

i dont.

I dont know what u want me to say,

I cant say anything..that wont hurt us both,

I dont know what you want me to do,

I feel frozen in time..cant do ne thing that wont hurt u,

I dont know what you want me to say,

I love you seems so stupid these days,

I dont know what you want me to do,

Your too far away for me to hold you,

I dont know what to do,

Im so in love with you,

but my love is overdue,

so leave me if u must,

i know ive betrayed ur trust,

but before you leave be sure to kill me cuz if u dont then i surely will.....

Im sorry.....

A song i wrote a long time ago.

Hey Sugar Daddy

Let me tell you my side

If you wanna be with me thats ight

But dont expect me to give it up after only 1 nite

*Chorus*

I wanna make you happy

I wanna be your girl

So come on baby

Lets give it a whirl

I've never felt like this

I cant wait till I get a kiss

To be in your arms would be heaven

But 2 be w/o you, well thats a given

Id do anything for you

You've been makin my dreams come true

Wanna know that dream?

Its to be with you!

I wanna call you all the time

Just to make sure your mine

Baby, its so hard when your so far away

But, I'll be in your arms someday

Just to let you know, I worry bout ya 2

Sometimes I really dont

Know what to do

*Chorus*

I never wanna hurt you

I cried when I burnt you

It was a mistake, my fault

After that i put my heart in a vault

Its never easy this thing called love

But you unlocked my safe and gave a tug

Now my hearts in your hands

And i dont want it broken, you understand?

I dont care what anyone thinks

All I gotta say is they stink

Baby,Im scared this time

Scared I'll mess up and you'll drop me like a dime

Nothin matters w/o you

Baby,w/o you my world would be blue

I only got 5 words to say to you

Baby, I love you 2!

here i am.

Well here i am

writing again

wondering how and when

and where you have been

you have to make a choice

me or her

your voice is fading away

the colors are just a blur

i feel myself go down

i feel his hands on my feet

pulling me down

through the grass beneath

ive lost you

so now im going down

if you make it to hell

i guess ill see you around

Darkness

Good morning, Darkness

I wish you could stay

Because you help cover the sun each day.

The sun burns and blinds.

You, my friend, cool and calm me.

I feel a sense of ease as I watch the news and realize you are staying today.

And if you shed some tears,

I mite do that as well.

Simply because you remind me of him.

And he loved to dance in your tears.

So if you cry today, dear friend,

I will come out and play again.

I Dream

~I Dream~

I lay here

Dreaming of another world.

Without war, Without death

Without pain.

I dream of Love & Marriage, Babies & Safety.

I dream of a good career.

I dream of a good man to have & to hold.

I dream of children. Running & playing.

Late night talks, Romantic walks

But right now I dream of good grades,

trust 4m parents, love from friends,

& Happieness till the end

I dream of Another World.

i wonder.

~I wonder~

Somedays I wonder

Did you ever love me?

I walk these halls

So silent yet screaming

I wonder what you meant

When you told me that you lied

Where you afraid to say your true feelings?

or did you not have any?

I look at your picture,

and look at your eyes

I wonder if you wore a disguise

I love you, this much I know.

You are not the only one who left me in Shadow.

Dreams and Nightmares

Joy and Scares

I was always there.

Now you are gone

But forever in my heart,

May you live on.

Love Always,

Window

~Window~

I'm looking out my window

Wondering where you are

I'd give anything

to be there

I know I was wrong

I know you are mad

But being w/o you

Would make me sad

I lie in bed and dream of you

I wake up and I dont know what to do

I tell my friends that if you left I'd cry

But to be honest, I'd probably die.

Falling down into a dark pit

Wondering if there is a bottom

But then a rope falls down

I grab it and it pulls me up.

Im bathed in sunlight

and there you are

But its just a dream

and now your gone

And i am all alone

Looking out my window

Wondering where you are.

pain

Do you not understand?

Can you not see

I am in pain

Its all that i see

I cannot handle the pain that i feel

All i can ask is how can this be?

That all i can feel is misery

It seems to be all i can hear and see

My friends

My family

Leaving me

PAIN!

Why must i endure this?

Have you no clue?

That im laying here screaming for you!

This pain is eating me alive

This fear i try to hide

That stays deep inside

The pain i feel always

That buried in a coffin it lays

random

He is hurting.

Cant you see.

He is in pain

Almost the same as me

You turn him away

Like you turned me

Now he is doomed to cry

Thats his destiny

Who are you to judge us
Your lord should do that

Who are you to judge us

Him depressed and me almost like that.

I do not understand your selfish ways

Can you not see

Things are harder these days

We both love you

That is our pain

You laugh in our faces

Ignore our pain.

I cannot see anything

I am lost and cannot be found

You toss and push me

Sling my feelings around

I do not see why you do this

to him and me

you are wrong

not saying we are right

But your making me hurt

And cower in fright

I wish you death

and the fires of hell

you have done this

now im in a cell

its not jail or prison my dear

it is padded and im surrounded by fear

you have made me heartless

And invincible

since you hurt me

or i was invisible

So i say goodbye to you

not a tear in my eye

and you will hurt

when i finally die

until then dear friend

see you soon

cuz w/o me

your future is DOOMED!

another poem

I dream and think about you all the time
Wondering about us and wishing you were mine
Tried to push it away cuz i know we arent that way.
It wouldnt be fine

Clinging to you makes me feel weak
The look in your eyes, so beautiful i just cant speak
In your arms it feels just right
Your the last thing i think about at night

Wrapped up in your love so tight
Makes me wonder why i fight

why i pull away from you
I want to share it all
Catch you when you fall

Losing you would be my end
Because your my best friend

I hide it poorly, this is true
You can see it in my eyes, Im in love with you

Please dont run or make a face
Cuz ill stand alone in this place

Ill hold back and take what i can get
Because id rather die than lose all this

well

Aight so yea i officially want to beat the fuck out of my "best friend"
He made our friend Ashley (who is currently living with him) cry just cuz
she was talking to our friend Tiffany about why I'd left the room.
She didnt say a damn thing to or about him. They were just mouthing shit about me.
And he gets all up in her fucken face and starts being a dick like he always is.
The only damn reason i didnt haul off and punch his ass is cuz his mom doesnt need
more fucken medical bills to take care of.

That plus all the other shit im dealing with.
~my mom
~my emotional/personality problems.
~my physical well being.
~as well as taking care of everyone in my damn circle & out side of it.

Im exhausted, trying to keep my grades up, trying to get a job, and trying to get my damn license.

AND IM SWAMPED WITH ALL THIS SHIT!

Ive been stretched to my limit by everyone and everything.

Its honest to God difficult as hell for me not to go off and beat the fuck
out of someone or tear my arms to shreds.

So I'm taking a break for a while

I love everyone dearly. But im just under too much right now.


<33,
Me.

What Exactly is Wrong At The Moment...

~My best friend, Chris, has not been the same for the last 2 months or so.
He used to be my support beam. I used to be special. And now we barely even talk. It seems like I dont matter to him anymore. And it hurts more than anything because i opened up to him and his family...and ..now its like i dont exist.

~My family and I have had walls against each other since I was 8. Now my counselor and my mother are trying to get me to open up..and I dont want to.
I want out of this house. Away from the pain i get from my family.

~Im always so lonely. Im the kind of person who gets/feels love from physical things. Dont mis-understand. Im still a virgin. But cuddling, kisses, hugs...they keep me going.
And even then...if im left alone...im screwed..

Alone Anyway

ALONE ANYWAY............



Just watch em all go...

let em all walk away

you were gonna be alone anyway

see them smile

acting so gay

you were gonna be alone anyway

you let go.

let the demons in

you were gonna be alone anyway

now youll turn from peace to sin

and the carving will begin

you were gonna be alone anyway

they all said they'd be right here

to hold you and chase away the fear

you were gonna be alone anyway

family is forever, friends are always true

where the fuck did you hear that? you must be a fool

you were gonna be alone anyway.

watch the rain fall around you

as the blood pours out

you were gonna be alone anyway

your eyes start to close as the red fades away

black is the ground and night covers day

you were gonna be alone anyway

there they are...the family you wept for

right there at the bright white door

you were gonna be alone anyway

As you walk towards them they laugh at you

Each of them walking inside until its just you two

you were gonna be alone anyway

he smiles at you and walks you way

then pulls you closer to him than ever before

you were gonna be alone anyway

he whispers in your ear....

the 5 words, your worst fear...

you were gonna be alone anyway

you feel the pull

down you go

you were gonna be alone anyway

watching him slip from your hands

you knew .....and yet you'll never understand....

you were gonna be alone anyway

now to flames you go

knowing nothing but pain and sorrow

you were gonna be alone anyway

for the words that one person whipered

were the words that haunted you every day

YOUR GONNA BE ALONE ANYWAY!!

Lies

All the times
you looked in my eyes

all those fucking lies

all the times you screamed in my face
telling me i was a disgrace

all those fucking lies

you cant seem to see
what the fuck you did to me

all those fucking lies

stringing me along
singing me those songs

all those fucking lies

you made me fall
you made me bleed

all those fucking lies

you gave me poison
to eat and breathe

all those fucking lies

to believe you loved me
impossible, you broke me

all those fucking lies

i hope you choke
i hope you die

because

of
all
those


FUCKING LIES!

Meh Best Friend

My Boy

Im always trying to save them
Be the knight in the dream

But I didn’t realize I needed saving
Until I met him

He had no horse
No armour of steel

Just a smile
And arms that heal.

I didn’t think he’d stay
Didn’t think it was real

Every time I hear “I love you”
My heart continues to heal

He’s my world
My life

Ill always be there for him
As his best friend for life.

Makes me laugh 24/7
I swear when im with him its Heaven

People tell me to wake up
That he doesn’t care

But I just laugh
Cuz I know he’ll always be there.

Fear turns to relief
And Hurt turns to Love

His arms fit around me
Like a healing, loving glove

Glowing and smiling
I turn to my friends

“This boy is my best one
Right till the end”

~Promise Me That You'll Love Me Always And Forever~
♥Only You Could Make Me Believe It ♥

Gone

Gone

Watch me walk away
Save your shit for another day

Done with trying
Sick of your lying

Leaving today
Im gonna be happy my way

They love me this is true
Loving me much more than you

You cant see
What you’ve done and continue to do to me

I assure you
They will treat me right

They will be fair
Ill have no need to fight

Hugs && Kisses everyday
Chase the hurt and pain away

Bitterness will be but a dream
Love and Marshmellow cream =)

Im sorry but I must go
I’m sorry you’ve sunk so low

I’ll miss you when I walk out the door
But ill be happy cuz you cant hurt me any more.

Short STory

Meh Short Story
By DeadAndBroken173 aka Snuggle Bear <33



She started screaming as the heart monitor flat lined.
She was shaking him , screaming "wake up! please please please dont leave me here"
The nurses pried her fingers from him and had security pull her out.
She stopped thrashing by the time they got to the waiting room.
She was bawling but she sucked it up.

She walked in. His 2 brothers and little sister ran to her and asked how he was.

Julia looked across the room at his mother, the one woman
on this earth that meant more to her than her own mother.
Miranda was looking back at her, and as soon as she
saw the look on Julia's face, she screamed. Cooper grabbed his wife and held her. Sobbing with her.

The kids looked at their parents, then at Julia.
"Come on guyz. We're gonna go get some ice cream"

Julia took them to the car and they piled in and buckled up.

Julia drove to Dairy Queen and bought them all large ice cream cones.

Then she drove straight to Brandon's.
She let the kids out and they quickly ran to play with her cousin's sons.

She went to the garage where Brandon was working.

He was sitting on the couch in the back listening to the radio.
She walked to him and when he caught site of her he got up and crossed the distance hurriedly .

"Whats wrong, Jules?"
Julia looked at him. The tears in her eyes said it all.
He looked down at her and he knew.
Zach was dead.
As soon as he realized she was about to lose it he grabbed her.

She started screaming, so he turned the radio up.
She thrashed at him. Started screaming profanities.
"HE'S NOT FUCKING DEAD! NO NO NO NO NO NONONO! HE CANNOT LEAVE ME HERE! HOW COULD HE LEAVE ME HERE!" She wilted in his arms and started whimpering. "How could he leave me? I loved him. Why? I dont understand what I did. Why did God take my love. Why?"
Brandon held her for an hour while she cried. Then she realized that she needed to get back to the hospital.
Brandon said he'd take care of the kids for the night.

As Julia drove back to the hospital she realized she still had his hoodie on. The realization made her cry harder.
But she sucked it up when she go to the hospital.

She went straight to his hospital room, knowing that his parents would be saying goodbye. Maybe i shouldve brought the kids she thought to herself.
She waited patiently outside the door until Miranda called her name. She walked in and hugged her mother tightly.
Cooper joined the hug and they were all shaking with sobs when Brandon knocked.
"The kids know, Jules. They want to see their brother."

Julia looked at Miranda And Cooper. Miranda thought for a moment. "We will go outside. They will come in one at a time. I think you should be with them as they say goodbye."

Julia nodded her head.
Ben came in first. All he did was kiss his brother on the forehead and walked out.

Brad came in. As soon as he saw his brother he cried harder. He hugged his brother and kissed him a few times, whispered a soft "i love you" then left.

Abby was last.

She walked in, calm as can be. She got up on the bed and lay on his shoulder.
She was crying softly.
She talked to her brother about her birthdays, her wedding, all the things he would never see. She told him not to worry. That she would help Julia with the baby. She kissed him on the mouth as she did when she was a child and got up and walked out.

Julia couldnt handle it.
She lay beside him and she wanted so to open his eyes. To see that clear blue that she always melted in.
But she knew better. She was in a dead mans arms, pregnant with his child, and all she wanted to do was die.

She cried. She cried so hard she couldnt breathe. But she wouldnt leave him. Not even when the coroner came and told her to leave. She hit him in the face 4 times before he realized that she wasnt letting go.

She fell asleep in a her dead loves arms.

When she awoke she was no longer in the hospital but in his bed at his home.
And as she sleepily snuggled closer to the warm body beside her, she knew something was tugging at her memory.
She sat up so fast she hit her head on the wall.
She looked at the man beside her and realized it was Zach.

It was all just a dream,she thought to herself,just a horrible fucking nightmare
And as she sat there, he woke up, pulled her on top of him, and said "Happy Birthday, Princess"

I Died Today

watch him walk away.
feel your heart splinter
feel the ice you thought was immeltable
MELT
feel the tears rolling down your cheeks.
Feel the weakness in your knees

Hit the ground running
screaming at the top of your lungs for him to stay
just one more day
just another kiss, another hug.

But he turns to you
says "too late"
and resumes..his walking away..

You died today

Today.

Okay so.
Last night was my uncle's visitation.
And his funeral was today.

They released doves and everything.
It was beautiful.

It was hard...but beautiful.


Anyway,
Im sick. Flu or something i guess.

I more than likely wont be at school for the rest of the week.
Im just too messed up. Emotionally & Physically.

My grandpa Marvin's visitation is Friday.
His funeral Saturday.


Im hoping to the lord that i can get through it.
My grandpa and I were so much closer than my uncle and I.
And trust me, I cried buckets over my uncle.

Im hoping my best friend Chris will go with me (if my parents permit it)
If he doesnt...i dont know how im gonna deal.
Its just so hard to deal with so much death at once.

That was the last grandfather i had.
And he was such a good grandpa.

ima stop now cuz im feelin sick again.

Would You?

Would you dream of me?
Would you hold my hand & walk through fire?

Would you scream with me?
Would you follow me in my desires?

Pain is my constant companion.
Love far behind

Friends reach out to grab me.
But i stay still for i am blind

Miss you during the day
Nightmares by night

Screaming, hurting, cutting,
every day is covered in fright.

Hold me close and whisper in my ear
words of love & mysteries ill always hold dear

Ive waken up to true feelings that are real
Hopefully one day you'll do the same & we can heal

Ill dream of you until then
Love from me always friend