everything has changed

So he left me July 5th, 2011. He foudn someone twice my age and is now trying to have a baby with her. FUCKING UGH!
but im moving on.

i honestly just dont want to even give a shit anymore.

we lost our house...
me, liz (lover/ex/fucking eh), kim(lizs wife, two faced cunt that i love anyways blah) and Caressa ( my ex/two faced bitch).

so we are staying with my soul family. which consists of six people sometimes seven. plus us four in a two bedroom house >.> with only me and my big brother and my soul mom having jobs. bubba doesnt pay shit. but me and mom are always working our asses off. it fucking sucks.

ive been on and off with this guy trevor and he says he really cares about me. but he thinks i have a blood son thats 8. when in reality i have a blood brother that is 12 :/
but i raised him so i call him my son.....

but i wanted people to take me seriously when i say he's my son.
im sick of people saying "oh your not really his mother so you dont understand"

FUCK YOU!  cause my mother and step father where too far into their fucking bullshit addictions to even realize my son was born.
i love him more than anything else in this world. the song "god gave me you" is our song because we both realize in the end we are all we have.


anyways back to trevor the guy at work that i like.
he's black which will automatically get him shitty points with half my family and friends. but i figure they will be like well at least its  not a girl >.>
he's amazing and says he wants to be with me and spend time with me and yea but he actually has a son. kyler. i dont remembe rhow old he said he was tho. 2 i think :?
twenty three i think. <3
he's just ah. i mean when he kisses me i feel like maybe im okay ya kno?

im still dating other people tho cause he hasnt said he wants it exclusive

i had a wreck last week. my back is normally pretty fucked up now. its sucks. i really miss being able to do all kinds of shit. i work a town away from where im at and driving the gas guzzler i do is really killing me.
we cant find a house yet :/

im so sleepy right now honestly.... so im going to like get off here and chill. ill update more later <3

so i gave in again

i went back to my old addiction and it relieved me until he walked in. then the shame and guilt and heart wrenching fear hit.

if he ever leaves i dont know what will becmoe of me. him and our lost babies are my reason to live. but everything would be so empty w/o him.

im still bleeding. i can feel it. and i have a headache and ugh. im ready for supper so i can busy myself with something. i NEED a job but no where will take me. im exhausted.  so intensly exhausted.

just wanna give up

i cant stop

i cant stop being paranoid. I cant stop wanting to disappear. I cant stop being fucking broken
I sent him a text.

"well im glad you can run away i hope you feel better BECAUSE I CANT RUN FROM MYSELF!"

i dont wanna hit him. i dont wanna scream and cry and make him feel like shit. i dont wanna be empty i dont wanna be discusting and fat and lazy and not be able to get up because the pain is just too much.

i dont want to feel the need to cut myself or overdose on pills or drink myself stupid.

i dont want to feel like im ruining everything. i dont want to feel like im going to hurt someone i love. i dont want to be so fucked up in my  head that i cant function correctly. i just want to be normal.


but that is never gonna happen. so i should just continue pushing everyone away until they all leave.

then end

One Month Four Days

Sitting in my room with my lost childs newborn clothes I bought. Why Im torturing myself like this i dontknow. Maybe someday I can see it as "it wasnt your time" but right now all i can think is "why?"

I dont understand why I'm not allowed a child. Why the love of my life isnt allowed to
be the amazing father i know he would be. Yes we have our issues and sometimes i feel intenly hopeless.

IT IS NOT FAIR.

Dealing with the pain, the hole in me that just throbs and screams at me that im EMPTY. lost. a part of my soul has been taken from me.


and its excruciating.

so im lost

I started therapy.
after completely losing my mind.

Ace and i are still together
Altho most nights i lay awake in our bed bawling
I'll be glad when I get some meds in me to help regulate my emotions

He doesnt want couples therapy which i think is stupid and selfish.
WE need therapy not just me.
I understand that I need to deal with my personal issues but we also have to work on us.

I just dont understand him

Seether is all that calms me anymore
Roses is a favorite of mine. Nobody is also.

My chest pains and flashbacks are still horrid.
I cant even be outside for longer than 2 minutes because its too hot for me. :(


we have a male roommate now. i could give a fuck less about HIM. but his son is my light every day <3

um... thats it for now :/

um

so some things went down. he threatened to leave, i did something stupid, and we are pretty much broken now.

he has no regard for my feelings and completely bailed on me tonight.

it really fucked me up.
but im dealing

I'm watching that movie fireproof. and its hoenstly amazing.


I just dont really know what to do to keep our relationship afloat.

he doesnt want to try again for a baby. -sigh- its killing me.....


but other than that and that uni is kicking my ass nothing new..\


laters

ugh

so here i am AGAIN with the whole baby thing. Its been driving me nuts but of course im keepingm y mouth shut to him cause i dont want to depress him.

Being how we are soemtimes of course i think its probably not the best thing for us.


but on the other side ic an see him as such a fucking amazing father. i know he would be. And even though im terrified of being like my INSANE mother i know somehow he would make me such a good mom. keep me in check and all that. and vice versa.

i just love him so much and want our life together so much taht it drives me crazy. i wish we didnt have to wait to get married. but he says 2012. it drives me nuts honestly. I seriously just want a HUGE commitment. I NEED IT. why i dont know. I know itll just help me with my trust issues so much...

i really need to stop thinking about the past. I need to move forward and enjoy every fucking minute with him. Cause god help me if i ever lose him. No one in this world knows what it would do to me after all this time. I want to show him that there was a reason for him choosing me. That i AM the BEST choice for him. :D. But i honestly dont know if he will ever believe it. i wish i could do something or say something to make him realize that we are ABSOLUTELY meant to be NO MATTER FUCKING WHAT!. neways... guess thats it for now... gonna go back to workin :/

fuckin tired

workin on college and actually havin friends tends to piss him off.why? i dont know. I dont specifically care.
I'm so sick of feeling guilty or bad for doing something that makes me happy.

i hate it when he texts people right after we fight cause i know he is talking shit about me.
I know cause unfortunately i look at his phone afterwards. im so fuckin sick of it.
I just want to be happy. which is like impossible. i just dont understand what i did to deserve all this shit.
I know i chose this. I know i shouldve left a long time ago and all taht bs. but i love him......ugh.

-sigh-

not pregnant
college kicking my ass
trying to stay on top of my game


trying to figure out wtf my relationship is doing/going.

wondering why it took me 6 years to get back on a damn motercycle <3
love him so much for getting me back on one. not ace either bleck. he doesnt even know i got on one.
it was so fuckin amazing tho.
hell with him if he dont like it.

always havin a blast with my two awesome friends kimi nd lizzy.
miss them like crazy whenever im sad or stuck alone.

listenin to miley cyrus-7 things
an amazing song before she became a real teen lol

laterz

so

I'm not pregnant. Yea it kinda fucked up everything. we started fighting all the time.  and then... we exploded. now he is sleepin in the 2nd bedroom..... and im waking up screaming every night. my past has come to slap me in teh face and i feel so empty all the time its unreal....

on the happy note. I started college :D. I'm excited to actually be doing something. I'm thinkin about starting to go to the gym with his sister or his dads gf. Cause i REALLY need to make myself feel good. Maybe then we can have another shot but im not betting on it. Either way ill be okay.

im exhausted. work is kicking my ass. im so exhausted and i wish i wasnt. my chest has been botherin me alot....

i complain too much lol

-sigh- thats it for now i guess.

So

I was watching "I Used To Be Fat" on MTV and it really made me think. I might be pregnant but if im not then I really want to get rid of this lard. I seriously cant stand my body and from what I hear my hygiene isnt exactly imperative either. How that works I dont know. But maybe if I lose 40 pounds or so I'll seem better. I'm constantly tired and cant ever get myself to want to do anything. I love my job at Walmart and my friends but other than that and my boyfriend :/ there isnt anything enjoyable in my life. It drives me nuts. I dont do anything except get on the internet, watch tv, and eat :/ I dont even have sex anymore cause he just doesnt seem to want me. That and we fight so much that sex is wayyyy on the bottom of our list. I constantly have a headache which reminds me too much of my mom :/. Maybe someday I'll actually want to do something else. Be something else. We are moving into our new place over the next week and then we will find out if im pregnant. If im not its probably gonna make everything get all fucked up again. -sigh- I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. he doesnt have a job and im taking care of everything and it drives me nuts. -sigh- but thats all i can write for now. too freakin tired.

So.... ((March Of Dimes))

I'm going to be walking April 30th so that babies may have their full nine months to live. ^__^.




Donations would be amazing. I'm so excited for this walk. It makes me feel like im actually doing something and it means alot to someone, you know? Woo!

Anyways, no time for more than just that little update.

Goodnight.